by Jan Yager, Ph.D.

This article originally appeared in McCall’s magazine, January 1988. All rights reserved. It may not be reprinted without permission.

The dynamics of friendship change when you're a new mother. You and your baby become a "couple" with a special set of needs. The obvious choice for new friends at this time? Other women with young children. But often there isn't a network through which to meet them. In fact, finding them can call for the sort of courage you may not have mustered since your first days of high school.

Here's a look at the ground rules, problems and very special rewards of these mother-to-mother relationships.

What other mothers offer

Beyond the obvious emotional lift gained from sharing laughter over a baby's garbled first words, there are practical reasons for making the effort to meet other new mothers. They can be an invaluable resource for firsthand information that can save you time and trouble.

One mother explains, "I had always felt that my pediatrician was too short with answers to my questions, but I figured I was expecting too much. It was only after I talked with other mothers and heard how helpful their doctors were that I switched to a more attentive pediatrician."

Other mothers can also provide much-needed support during a time when a couple's life-style is changing tremendously. A mother of two gradeschool' students recalls, "When my kids were little and I was at home full time, my husband was my lifeline. He was the sounding board for all of my baby-care concerns, my sole source of adult conversation and the only person with whom I entrusted the babies when I went out, all of which strained our relationship. When I finally began meeting other women with children around the sarne ages as ours," she continues, "I felt more self-sufficient, and our relationship improved."

Other mothers also come equipped with the most special resource of all: playmates for your baby. The old belief that toddlers cannot form friendships until age three or older has been disproved by new studies. This research shows that babies respond in unique ways when playing with other children instead of with toys: They smile more, touch, gesture and imitate one another.

Where to meet other new mothers

A bit of advance planning helps: You might, for example, exchange phone numbers with acquaintances from your childbirth-preparation classes. After the baby arrives, find out if your pediatrician's office keeps a list of informal play groups or mother-and-baby activity programs, or contact your local "Y."

Strike up conversations in the waiting room of your pediatrician's office, and go to the playground. If your baby is enrolled in a day-care program, ask for a list of mothers' phone numbers and call the one who lives nearest you. Suggest that the two of you meet for coffee and juice with your children.

The ground rules

As with any relationship, some unspoken rules exist. If you accept an invitation for your baby to play at a new friend's house, you should be willing to reciprocate. Also, be considerate about your new friend and her child's needs. Call at reasonable hours; be flexible about where and when you meet; and cancel play plans if your baby shows signs of coming down with a cold or other illness. If you arrange to meet a friend and are bringing along a snack for your child, be sure to have enough for her playmate as well.

Keep the get-togethers relatively short, with a predetermined end time. But, if your child begins to get tired or cranky, intercede and cut the visit short before any bad feelings develop.

These visits need not be limited to one another's homes and the playground; plan outings like a trip to the zoo or, if the weather's too cold to stroll outside, to a nearby shopping mail.

What to expect

New mothers tend to see themselves and their babies as a "package deal'!--love me, love my baby. However, there will be situations in which two children are perfectly suited playmates, but their mothers have little to share. Or you may find that, although you and a woman whom you met at the park are becoming fast friends, your toddlers are out of sync in, say, their levels of activity. Finding the right combination may take some trial-and error, over-the-sandbox meetings. Remember that you don't need to find an exact age match for your child-a one-year-old may get along wonderfully with a child of three---and that contact with another new mom is worthwhile and rewarding, even if she doesn't become a close friend for life.

Another factor to consider when forming play-date friendships is how the other parent interacts with her baby. This includes such issues as discipline adherence to feeding- and sleep schedules and the amount of freedom that a child is given to explore her environment. If you discern differences in the way you and the other mothers handle certain parenting issues, it's helpful to avoid situations in which they are apt to come up: For example, if a child becomes upset when her mother asks that she share her toys at home, arrange to meet on neutral ground, such as in the park.. With a minimum of foresight and planning, you can form a special, sharing relationship both for yourself and for your babv.

Jan Yager, Ph.D., is a sociologist who writes frequently about friendship.