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By
Jan Yager, Ph.D.
Issue #1
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What do you do if you're always the one doing the calling? Lately it's been bothering me, especially when I get my monthly
phone bill and see all the long distance charges for my calls to my friend.
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In a good friendship, both people share the desire to nurture the relationship, but exactly what is shared in a friendship
need not be equal. There are those who like to call, and those who like to be called. Your friend may not even know it
bothers you. Nor may she even be aware that you are always the one to call.
If it bothers you that you seem to be the one doing all the calling, mention it to your friend and begin a dialogue about it.
"You know, it seems to me that I am the one who always calls. You may be unaware that that bothers me."
It may be that there's another way your friend would prefer to keep in touch with you that you could both pursue,
such as e-mails or letters. Not everyone loves the telephone.
Sometimes just knowing that it is okay if one does the calling and the other doesn't is enough to prevent this from
being a problem situation.
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I've had a totally non-sexual, very long standing personal relationship with a male co-worker. I am teased about this by
many people. They don't believe the non-sexual aspect. We both are/have been married to others. Is this type of friendship
so very unusual and/or inappropriate?
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This is as much a generational issue as it is a personality thing. I have observed that having close friends of the opposite
sex is much more common among younger people, who grew up watching "Seinfeld" and "Friends," and who may have lived
in co-ed dorms.
Although same-sex friendships are most common, there are some men and women who just feel more comfortable with friends
of the opposite sex, in addition to or instead of same-sex friends. Your opposite-sex friendship with your co-worker is less
common than a same-sex workplace friendship but certainly, today, it is neither "unusual" nor "inappropriate" in today's
workplace.
There are some guidelines to consider, however. Opposite sex friendships are okay if both agree that's all it is. It is also easier
to avoid being the victim of gossip, especially in a workplace situation, if friends are at the same level, as you and your
co-worker friend seem to be, rather than a subordinate befriending someone at a higher level, or even a boss, of the
opposite sex. It is also usually easier if both are single or both are married. Tongues are less likely to wag when your marital
or job status is the same (and accusations of favoritism at work will be less likely). As long as you and your co-worker friend
are comfortable about your friendship, and your spouses are also aware of your friendship and do not see it as a problem,
there are no rules that require friends always be the same gender.
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What's the best way to reestablish communication with an old friend with I have not spoken to for years?
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The first step you want is to ask yourself this question: Why do I want to reestablish contact with this old friend? Once you
have your answer to that question, and you assess that reestablishing contact with this old friend is in your best interest,
ask yourself a second question: What happened to cause the friendship to end or fade away? Was it just a question of moving
away, losing touch, or was there a conflict that caused the rift? If there was a conflict, what has happened that you now
want to reconnect with this friend that may have changed the way you viewed the conflict that ended the friendship, or this
friend? Have you changed? Do you have new information about your former friend that leads you to believe he or she has
changed?
If you still feel that reconnecting with your former friend is something you want to do, once you find your old friend, just start
reconnecting. Don't spend all your time apologizing for not being in communication before or looking backwards. Gauge how you
feel about your friend now when you communicate. Do you still enjoy your friend's company or are you simply trading on the
past? Does it feel most comfortable to communicate by e-mail, phone, or in person? If you still like each other and want to go
forward with the friendship, fine. But don't force it. Friendship can be nurtured with time and concern, but you can't force it if
the feelings for each other just are not there anymore. (If you used to be best or close friends but you no longer feel that way
toward this friend, you may also want to consider whether you want to have this friend in your life as a casual friend rather
than cut off contact altogether once again.) Of course there are those who say, "When we get together, it's just like the old
days, you wouldn't believe any time has passed, we can just pick right up where we were before and reconnect." But there are
just as many who find that it just isn't the friendship it used to be. They decide to put it aside and move on, to form new
friendships, or to strengthen the bonds of their existing relationships.
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I'm very close to my family and consider some of my relatives my best friends?
Do you think family members can be "best friends"?
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Even if you are close to your family members, you need other friendships. You are born to a certain family or, through marriage,
or become attached to others. But you choose your friends on a completely voluntarily, non-blood tie, non-legal basis.
There is something very powerful about the element of choice--that out of the whole universe of possibilities, you have
been chosen to become, and remain, someone's friend.
But that does not minimize how glorious it is to have family members with whom one is very close. As career consultant
Nella Barkley says in my book, Friendshifts®: "My mother used to have a wonderful saying that I've adopted, which she
would sometimes pull out on holidays. She would drink a toast to us and say, 'It's so nice to like the ones you love."
But it's also so nice to be liked by the friends you like.
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*This original e-zine is researched and written by Jan Yager, Ph.D., a friendship expert, sociologist, speaker, and trainer.
Copyright © 2002 by Jan Yager, Ph.D All rights reserved including the right to reprint or distribute this e-zine in any and all
formats, including electronically.
Please note: This e-zine contains the opinions and ideas of its author and is designed to provide useful advice in regard to
the subject matter covered. It is posted with the understanding that the author is not engaged in rendering psychological,
legal, or other professional services in this publication. The author specifically disclaims any responsibility for any liability,
loss or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of
any of the contents of this e-zine.
For additional information on friendship, please refer to Jan Yager's two well-regarded books on friendship:
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Friendshifts: The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives by Jan Yager, Ph.D.
(Hannacroix Creek Books, Inc., 2nd edition, 1999)
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When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal With Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You
(Simon & Schuster, Inc., Fireside Books, 2002), available at local or on-line bookstores as well as at local or school
libraries.
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Visit Dr. Yager's web sites: http://www.JanYager.com,
http://www.JanYager.com/friendship, and
http://www.whenfriendshiphurts.com.
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