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By
Jan Yager, Ph.D.
Copyright © 2002 by Jan Yager, Ph.D.
Issue #2
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Jan Yager, Ph.D., a sociologist and speaker who has studied friendship for two decades, is the author of When Friendship Hurts
(Simon & Schuster, Fireside Books, July 2002,
http://www.whenfriendshiphurts.com)
and Friendshifts: The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives (Hannacroix Creek Books, 2nd edition, 1999).
* * * * *
My baby boomer generation grew up asking, "What were you doing when you heard that President Kennedy was
shot?" now replaced by "Where were you when you first heard that the World Trade Center was under attack?" and "Have you
changed because of 9/11?"
Based on my own observations as well as fifty written communications and interviews over the last 11 months,
here are the seven ways that 9/11 has impacted on friendship:
As a Reason for Those Who Had Ended a Friendship to Reconnect
Because of 9/11, Nancy Laichas, a 38-year-old editor at Texas-based Lunchbox Press, decided to let bygones
be bygones as she called to reconnect with her best friend still living in her home town of Chicago who Nancy admits she "alienated
several years before and had cut off the friendship." Nancy continues: "Now we have our friendship back. It's as if I found a part of
myself that had been lost. "
New Friendships That Started Because of 9/11
On the morning of September eleventh, sitting in Starbucks in my home town in Connecticut , I struck up a
conversation with a young woman whose name I learned was Amy Frishberg. About half an hour later, she got a call on her cell
phone from one of her sisters, who worked on the 21st floor of the second Twin Tower, but who was just getting to work when
the second plane hit so she was not inside the building. I shared that my husband Fred worked nearby, in the World Financial
Center, and Amy shared that her other sister also worked in the vicinity. We exchanged e-mail addresses and promised to find out
how our loved ones were as I rushed home to await word about Fred.
Several stressful hours later, we were able to report back that our loved ones were safe. (My husband was
there when it happened, on his way to work at his nearby office building, but he was able to get out of harm's way, shaken by
what he had seen but okay.)
From that day forward, a close friendship with Amy has ensued. Says Amy: "You remember where you were
when you heard so that created the bond. We were both inspired to see how the person we were with when we heard, how they
fared. It pushed it [our friendship] a little further more quickly."
Christine Duhaime, a 36-year-old stay-at-home Mom with two young children in a small upstate New York town,
was so deeply impacted by the events of 9/11 that she was compelled to give a unique picture book, The Next Place, written and
illustrated by Warren Hanson, to everyone who lost someone and all the rescue workers: "For me, these were the words I would
want my children to hear if something happened to me."
A strong friendship developed as a grass roots network led by four women from throughout the United States -
Cricket, Christine Cicirello, Sharie Johnson, and Amy Short. (The newest member of the network, a Fairfield County, Connecticut
high school senior whose father died in the attacks, as a class project is determined to distribute The Next Place
to several hundred family members who lost a loved one on 9/11.)
Says Cricket, "If you believe in karma we're a sisterhood and brotherhood that was lost, we're a family of
friends, compadres, that's been reunited through compassion."
The Ultimate Loss
With almost 3,000 victims, the number who directly lost a friend on 9/11, or the number who have a friend who
lost a family member, is overwhelming to contemplate. Grieving for a friend who died, as well as trying to comfort friends who lost
a family member, are new concerns for so many; sadly, I learned about it three decades ago, when I was twenty, when my older
brother, Seth Barkas, an aspiring writer of twenty-three, died tragically.
Caryl Frawley shared how friends helped her to cope in the aftermath of 9/11: "Knowing a nephew of ours,
thirty-four-year-old Kevin, who had just gotten married on August 11, 2001, was among the missing and presumed dead was a
burden I could not have borne alone. Several good friends of forty plus years reminded me vividly that 'Grief shared is halved.'"
Those who lost friends on 9/11 have turned grief into action, setting up memorial funds to the surviving family
members, planting trees, organizing local tributes or permanent memorials, even starting a free summer camp for those who lost a
family member on 9/11 or dedicating a local adult hockey tournament to the memory of two players who had died at the WTC.
Direct Help from Friends Because of a Related Job Loss
Millions have unwittingly put their friends to the test as the post-9/11 unemployment rate skyrocketed. Says
Reginald Beckham, Jr., who was out of work for eight months: "I had enough in my reserve that it wasn't a cash thing, it was more,
'Hey, Reg, how you doing today? Anything I can do to help?'"
Placing More Value on Friends
Even if friends were valued before, 9/11 has reaffirmed their significance. As San Diego-based psychologist
and novelist, Sandra Levy Ceren, Ph.D., notes, "I have always valued relationships, now more than ever."
Making a Different Career and Lifestyle Choices
Where someone lives or works, as well as how they deal with others, have been influenced by 9/11. Karen
Mueller Bryson, who now works as a counselor/advisor at a college in Florida, was living outside of the United States on 9/11, but
she and her husband moved back "to be closer to family and friends." Mental health advocate and author Debbie Thurman says
that she decided to help someone who she might have turned away from if not for 9/11. Says Thurman: "I didn't know anyone
personally who was involved, I just know relatives of friends, but it's incredible what they went through and the ripple effect it's
had on all of us."
Changed Spending and Entertainment Patterns
In this post-9/11 era, excessive spending is being downplayed. Yvonne Olivares, who teaches at Ohio State
University and is in the sociology doctoral program, notes: "Before 9/11 I would often go out with friends to restaurants and bars.
It was not odd to go out at least two or three times a week. But since 9/11, things have definitely changed. Now I tend to monitor
how many times a month I got out and it isn't odd to skip a week or two of not going out to eat with friends. Even when we do go
out, we try to choose more reasonably priced restaurants instead of the trendier places we once would frequent."
The horrific events of 9/11 have definitely had a dramatic impact on friendship. Few, if any, who lived through
9/11 will ever take friends or family for granted again.
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Copyright © 2002 by JanYager, Ph.D.
(http://www.janyager.com)
This September 2002 e-zine, "The Impact of 9/11 on Friendship," by Jan Yager, Ph.D. may be shared as long as it is not changed in any
way in terms of length or the exact words and all introductory or concluding paragraphs/information, including this one, are incorporated
as well. However, this essay may not be reprinted without written permission. Requests to republish this essay should be directed to:
http://www.yagerinquiries2@aol.com.
Please note: This e-zine contains the opinions and ideas of its author and is designed to provide useful advice in regard to
the subject matter covered. It is posted with the understanding that the author is not engaged in rendering psychological,
legal, or other professional services in this publication. The author specifically disclaims any responsibility for any liability,
loss or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of
any of the contents of this e-zine.
For additional information on friendship, please refer to Jan Yager's two well-regarded books on friendship:
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Friendshifts: The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives by Jan Yager, Ph.D.
(Hannacroix Creek Books, Inc., 2nd edition, 1999)
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When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal With Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You
(Simon & Schuster, Inc., Fireside Books, 2002), available at local or on-line bookstores as well as at local or school
libraries.
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Visit Dr. Yager's web sites: http://www.JanYager.com,
http://www.JanYager.com/friendship, and
http://www.whenfriendshiphurts.com.
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