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By
Jan Yager, Ph.D.
Copyright © 2003 by Jan Yager, Ph.D.
Issue #3
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Jan Yager, Ph.D., a sociologist and speaker who has studied friendship for two decades,
is the author of When Friendship Hurts (Simon & Schuster, Fireside Books, July 2002,
http://www.whenfriendshiphurts.com) and
Friendshifts: The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives
(Hannacroix Creek Books, 2nd edition, 1999).
In addition to 16 foreign editions of her two friendship books in print or in
preparation, Dr. Yager, who is also a professional speaker, has been interviewed
about friendship on The Oprah Winfrey Show, The Today Show, Good Morning, America, CBS
news The Morning Show, The View, National Public Radio, and in major newspapers
and magazines.
What follows is a list of the ten friends that every woman or man needs. It need not be ten
separate people since some friend categories might overlap, such as The Realist who is also
a Close Friend and a Same Sex Friend, or The Nurturer who is an Opposite-sex Casual Friend.
A friend is, by definition, someone you are not related to by either marriage or by birth.
Friendship is a noncompulsory relationship not bound by legal ties. Friendship does not
include a sexual or romantic relationship; if it does, it has become something other than
friendship.
1. The Casual Friend
A casual friend is someone you like and who likes you but the friendship is far from intimate.
In contrast to acquaintances or those with whom you merely network, casual friends do know
enough about each other that whether at work or in their businesses there is a connection.
This is the easiest friendship to maintain because it lacks the emotional connection, or
exclusivity, associated with close or best friendships. We learn a lot from our casual friends
since information is often the basis for exchange in this type of friendship.
2. The Close Friend
Close friends are those with whom someone confides private thoughts or feelings without fear
of repercussions because there is a mutual trust that confidences will not be shared. The
key difference between a close and a best friend is that you can have several or many close
friends; it is difficult, especially in the same geographical area, to have multiple "best"
friends. Twenty-five-year-old Sonia offers this definition of a close friend: "If I am able
to be myself and they feel comfortable to be themselves around me, no matter what the
situation is, I would consider them my close friends."
3. The Best Friend
Like a close friend, only elevated to such an intimate level that this is "the" best friend
that you have, this intimate a friend may be harder to maintain either in the workplace or
once a woman or man marries and connects to her or his spouse as his or her best "friend."
Married men often call their wife their only best friend but men, like women, still could
benefit from having at least one best friend outside of marriage, someone who is trustworthy
enough to share those innermost thoughts and dreams.
4. Same-Sex Friend
A same-sex friend helps you to validate or challenge your own perspectives and to be able to share about experiences, as long as it is done in an appropriate way in the workplace or business settings, along gender lines. Some of that sharing may even be in an unspoken way; being friends of the same sex there is usually a commonality of the experience, such as issues related to children, aging, fashion, physical changes, and relationships.
5. Opposite Sex Friend
There are distinct benefits to male-female friendships, whatever the level of intimacy. Fortunately, it is no longer immediately assumed that the friendship has to be "something else." Since research has found that female friendships tend to be more intimate than male friendships, having an opposite-sex friend provides each gender with the chance to take a break from those gender-specific ways of connecting. In that way, a man, in general, may be able to share more of his emotions with his female friend; a woman is able to have friendships with men based on sharing activities, without the self-disclosure or emotional intensity that her same-sex friends may expect.
6. The Nostalgic Friend
You grew up together. Or you went to school together, grade school, high school, or college. Or you could have even worked together but you are no longer at the same company or even in the same field. But you need at least one nostalgic friend to help you to have continuity in your life. To remind you of where you've been as a way of reaffirming how far you've traveled. Someone you can say, "Remember when:" and he or she fills in the dashes like no one else can except maybe a family member or sibling.
7. The Role Model
This is the friend who helps you go to the next level whether she's better at hair styling than you are or works harder or has somehow managed to find the right balance in his life among career, romantic, childcare, and friendship pulls and choices. She's great about shopping for clothes and knowing who has a sale and when. You tag along and that's fine because you learn by her example. Maybe he switched careers in his late twenties, showing you it is possible to pursue new dreams even after a decade or two of work experience that is now unrelated to what he now does but not irrelevant.
8. The Motivator
When you're feeling defeated or overwhelmed, The Motivator brings you way up as she inspires you and motivates you to keep trying. It's not just empty words or a "rah, rah, rah" cheer, it's words that truly motivate you because this friend understands where you're coming from, and where you want to go.
9. The Realist
This friend doesn't put you down, but she does temper your enthusiasm and wild plans with some well-meaning realism. She's the one that reminds you that going blonde could be a great idea but be prepared for lots of hair cares concerns. You want to go back to school and The Realist says, Great idea, but she also reminds you that you'll need to pay for it somehow.
10. The Nurturer
This friend is there with a hanky when you're sad and she even offers to baby-sit if you have childcare issues; she doesn't just point you in the right direction for help. She nurtures you emotionally as well. Men especially need a friend who is also a nurturer since it's so much harder for most men to look to peers for support and comfort. Since this friend offers it without being asked, having a nurturer for a friend helps a man to gather additional comfort besides what his romantic partner offers.
Do you have all ten of the above types of friends that every man or woman needs? Are you offering any or all of these aspects of friendship to your friends? Giving to others is of course very rewarding and valuable as you are, for example, the Realist, Nurturer, or Best Friend for those friends you care about. But also make an effort to have these ten essential friends in your life as well. Proximity counts, so be careful, also, to have some friends who are within twenty minutes of your home or apartment, or even closer by, as well as those who are far away but connected to you emotionally as well as through e-mails, phone calls, letters, or occasional visits.
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Copyright c 2003 by JanYager, Ph.D. (http://www.janyager.com) This November 2003 e-zine,
"Ten Friends That Every Woman or Man Needs," by Jan Yager, Ph.D. may be shared as long as it is not changed in any way in terms of length or the exact words and all introductory or concluding paragraphs/information, including this one, are incorporated as well. However, this essay may not be reprinted without written permission. Requests to republish this essay should be directed to: yagerinquiries2@aol.com.
Please note: This e-zine contains the opinions and ideas of its author and is designed to provide useful advice in regard to
the subject matter covered. It is posted with the understanding that the author is not engaged in rendering psychological,
legal, or other professional services in this publication. The author specifically disclaims any responsibility for any liability,
loss or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of
any of the contents of this e-zine.
For additional information on friendship, please refer to Jan Yager's two well-regarded books on friendship:
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Friendshifts: The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives by Jan Yager, Ph.D.
(Hannacroix Creek Books, Inc., 2nd edition, 1999)
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When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal With Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You
(Simon & Schuster, Inc., Fireside Books, 2002), available at local or on-line bookstores as well as at local or school
libraries.
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Visit Dr. Yager's web sites: http://www.JanYager.com,
http://www.JanYager.com/friendship, and
http://www.whenfriendshiphurts.com.
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